[diversity] Creating male allies without scaring them off

Here's the article in full (sorry about that...)


  GETTING MEN TO SPEAK UP

  * MICHAEL S. KIMMEL

JAN 30 2018

In early November 1991, a month after Anita Hill’s testimony about being 
sexually harassed by Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas, my mother 
invited me to dinner. After a long and pleasant meal, she told me that 
Hill’s stories were all too familiar. When my mother was in graduate 
school, her mentor groped her. She left school the next day and didn’t 
complete her PhD for 30 years.

Back in the 1990s, Hill wasn’t believed when she bravely came forward. 
Instead she was vilified by the Senate Judiciary Committee asa woman 
scorned 
<https://www.npr.org/2017/11/30/567430106/for-years-anita-hill-was-a-canary-in-the-coal-mine-for-women-speaking-out>, 
as “a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty,” as anow-contrite David 
Brock 
<http://content.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,167355,00.html> put 
it in his article smearing Hill 
<http://www.nybooks.com/articles/2002/06/27/true-confessions/>. That 
response set the tone: Over the next 25 years, whenever a woman stood up 
to publicly accuse men like Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton of sexual 
assault, she usually ended up being the one on trial in the court of 
public opinion, charged with a lack of credibility.

But outside this public narrative, something started to shift: Women 
like my mother began to speak privately about their painful experiences. 
Mothers told their children, wives told their husbands, women told their 
friends, daughters told their parents. And they were believed.

Social scientists who study movements often speak ofthe three elements 
of revolution 
<https://www.amazon.com/Revolution-Sociological-Interpretation-Michael-Kimmel/dp/0877227411>. 
First come the structural preconditions — long-term institutional 
changes that slowly build pressure, sometimes without even being 
noticed. In this case, those 25 years of simmering private conversations 
paved the way for today’s widespread backlash against harassment. The 
second element of a revolution is precipitants — pivotal events that 
cause change to rapidly accelerate. One precipitant here was the 2016 
release of the/Access Hollywood/videotape of Donald Drumpfbragging about 
kissing and groping women 
<https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-recorded-having-extremely-lewd-conversation-about-women-in-2005/2016/10/07/3b9ce776-8cb4-11e6-bf8a-3d26847eeed4_story.html?utm_term=.517bd64c2596>. 
After his election to the U.S. presidency despite this evidence, many 
women were both incredulous and furious.

Finally, there are trigger events that ignite a major explosion. In this 
case it was the rapid succession of revelations aboutRoger Ailes 
<http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36862714>,Bill O’Reilly 
<https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/19/business/media/bill-oreilly-fox-news-allegations.html>, 
andHarvey Weinstein 
<https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/05/us/harvey-weinstein-harassment-allegations.html>. 
In what seemed like a first, the women’s tales of abuse were not doubted 
— they were/believed/. And so #MeToo began, a reckoning so public that 
the women who spoke out were namedTime magazine’s people of the year 
<http://time.com/time-person-of-the-year-2017-silence-breakers/>in 2017.

We are in a new moment. For many of us, particularly men, it is scary 
and uncomfortable. Men are feeling vulnerable and afraid of false 
accusations (or perhaps true ones). They fear that things they did a 
long time ago will be reevaluated under new rules. They tell me they’re 
walking on eggshells. Because of this, many men are staying silent 
rather than taking part in the conversation. And yet inaction isn’t 
necessarily the right approach; there are important things men can do 
and say to support the women in their lives.

My experience studying masculinity and working with companies on sexual 
harassment has led me to focus on how men can take action to address 
this problem in the workplace. To do so effectively, we must come to 
terms with four questions: Why do men harass women? Don’t they know it’s 
wrong? How do they get away with it? And finally, what can we do about it?


    WHY DO MEN HARASS WOMEN?

This one’s easy. Men do it because they feel they can. It’s hardly the 
case that men are so overcome by lust that they cannot restrain 
themselves, assome people have suggested 
<https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/25/opinion/sunday/harassment-men-libido-masculinity.html>. 
No, it’s often about being in a position of power and feeling entitled 
to have access to women. These male harassers are emboldened to act 
by their privilege and authority and by the fact that their targets are 
in a weaker and more vulnerable position.


    DON’T THEY KNOW IT’S WRONG?

Nearly all of us know that grabbing a woman by her genitals, patting her 
butt, making lewd comments, or forcing her to engage in sexual 
activity is wrong. This is not some blurry line we have to negotiate./We 
know./“They let you do it” is the most telling quote from that/Access 
Hollywood/tape. Drumpf is saying, in effect,/You see what a big 
celebrity I am? Look what I can get away with./

Some men, however, may not realize that the occasional shoulder massage, 
calling women “sweetie” or “honey,” or making suggestive comments is 
also wrong. Men who are older tend to fall into this category. It’s 
startling to remember that a mere two generations ago, white-collar 
workplaces looked like a lot like Don Draper’s world on/Mad Men./The 
offices with the windows and doors were occupied by men; the women were 
gathered in the secretarial pool in the center of the office, a sort of 
crude corral. Sexual access to them was considered a perk.

This might be why men in their sixties who are accused of behaving badly 
30 years ago sometimes seem bewildered. They may feel they are being 
judged by contemporary standards for things they did under what they 
perceive as different rules. This is reflected in the data:According to 
a recent analysis by The Economist, 
<https://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2017/11/daily-chart-14>“younger 
respondents were more likely to think that a behavior crossed the line 
than their older peers were.”

This does not absolve younger guys of their own bad behavior, nor is it 
reason to forgive the older men being accused. Still, it’s important to 
talk more about these generational issues and how they color our 
thinking about the way we treat women.


    HOW DO THEY GET AWAY WITH IT?

Complicit assent. Think again about the/Access Hollywood/tape. What 
might have happened had Billy Bush, the show’s host at the time, 
responded with, /Donald, that’s disgusting — not to mention illegal!/ Or 
if the other guys on the bus had said,/That’s gross./What if Harvey 
Weinstein’s brother, Bob, had grabbed him by the shoulders and 
yelled,/Harvey, stop it! I will throw you out of the company if you 
continue!/

Sexual harassment persists because of three factors: the sense of 
entitlement that some men feel toward the women they work with; the 
presumption that women won’t report it or fight back; and the presumed 
support — even tacit support in the form of not calling out bad behavior 
— of other men.

What we’ve seen recently is the second leg of the stool getting kicked 
out. There’s been an outpouring of resistance from women. Women are 
speaking out, loudly, and not stopping.

Now it’s time to kick out the third leg. When men remain silent, it can 
be taken as a sign that we agree with the harasser, that we think the 
behavior is OK, and that we won’t intervene. Men are complicit in a 
culture that enables sexual harassment, so it is up to us to actively, 
volubly speak up and let the perpetrators know that we are not OK with 
what they do.

I’ll make one assertion here, which is backed by my experiences working 
with companies to promote gender equality over several decades: The 
overwhelming majority of men do not want to be jerks. We don’t want to 
make women uncomfortable and don’t want to say things that are offensive.

This puts a slightly more positive spin on the current male anxiety, 
which most assume is about being reported for harassment. But it also 
might be about the desire not to behave badly — and about not knowing 
exactly how to act.

We/can/act in a positive manner, however. Here’s one scenario I suspect 
is remarkably common:

Adeline is sitting in a meeting. She is the only woman in the room. Rob 
is in the meeting, too, and he makes a sexist comment. The room goes 
silent. Everyone’s attention is on Adeline: Is she going to do 
something, say something?/Oh, God, here she goes,/many of the other men 
are saying to themselves. Big eye roll./She’s gonna call him out and 
make everyone feel bad./And Adeline has to decide if she’s going to say 
something and make everyone miserable, or swallow it and stay miserable 
herself.

After the meeting, one of Adeline’s colleagues, Fabrice, privately 
apologizes to her for Rob. “I’m really sorry about what he said in 
there,” Fabrice says. “I didn’t like that at all.”

Fabrice thinks he’s being supportive, but he’s actually introducing 
another dilemma for Adeline. Does she nod politely and thank him? Or 
does she say, “Uh, where were you when I needed you?”

Men, what could you do differently? The obvious answer is that you could 
speak up, right then in the meeting, and say that you aren’t comfortable 
with those kinds of statements. But typically we don’t do that. Why not?

We’re afraid that if we do, we’ll be marginalized, kicked out of the 
men’s club — that we’ll become, in effect, “honorary women.” Men know 
that doing the right thing sometimes carries costs, and most of us are 
worried about jeopardizing what we have. So we betray the women in the 
room, abandon our ethics, and slink away uncomfortably.

But think about that moment when Rob made his comment. I’m sure there 
were guys in the meeting who were looking down at their shoes, laughing 
uncomfortably, or shuffling the papers on the table. They didn’t like it 
either but were too frightened to act.

Men, this is your chance. After the meeting, don’t apologize to Adeline. 
Talk to one of the other guys who looked uneasy:

“Listen, Mateo, I hate it when Rob says things like that.”

“So do I,” says Mateo.

This is your opening: “The next time he does that, I’m going to say 
something. But as soon as I do, you have to jump right in and say that 
you don’t like it either. Can I count on you?”

Because here is what we know. It might be too scary for one guy to risk 
marginalization by speaking up, even though failing to do the right 
thing will make him ashamed later. But when two guys call out sexism, 
that opens a space for more men to chime in. And the behavior that makes 
women feel uncomfortable and alone might stop right there.

A global insurance company I consulted with developed informal “male 
allies” training, teaching men how to develop strategies to support one 
another. Critically, they were not being asked to “rescue” women; they 
were charged with challenging other men. The men developed several 
approaches, including supporting one another when a child was sick or a 
family issue arose. Soon the company’s male employees started talking 
more openly with one another about their experiences, their families, 
and their efforts to balance their lives. And after a year, the men 
reported higher levels of job satisfaction. Though it remains to be seen 
how these changes will affect sexual harassment at the company, the 
shared language and norms the men have developed will help them 
challenge one another and support men who speak out.

So, where do we go from here? After decades of accepting sexual 
harassment as the status quo, we have to take some of the weight off 
women’s shoulders. It’s simply not their responsibility alone to talk 
about and enforce workplace equality. We must call out the sexist 
behaviors of other men because it’s wrong and because it undermines 
women’s confidence and effectiveness in the workplace.

This is what it means to be allies, men. To stand up together and do the 
right thing. We know how to do it, and we’re good at it most of the 
time. Brotherhood, teamwork, and camaraderie are the essence of the 
fraternity, the foxhole, and the sports team. Now we have to learn how 
to come together at work — and on the right side of things.THEBIG IDEA

*About the author:/Michael Kimmel/*is the SUNY Distinguished Professor 
of Sociology and Gender Studies at Stony Brook University, where he 
founded the Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities, and the 
author of/Angry White Men/(Nation Books, 2013).


On 31/01/2018 10:40, Amanda Gowland wrote:
>
> Hi all,
>
> I just finished this article and thought I'd post to the list - it's 
> about how men can be allies to women confronted with sexual harassment:
>
> "So, where do we go from here? After decades of accepting sexual 
> harassment as the status quo, we have to take some of the weight off 
> women’s shoulders. It’s simply not their responsibility alone to talk 
> about and enforce workplace equality. We must call out the sexist 
> behaviors of other men because it’s wrong and because it undermines 
> women’s confidence and effectiveness in the workplace."
>
> https://hbr.org/2018/01/getting-men-to-speak-up
>
> Warm regards,
>
> Amanda
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> diversity mailing list
> diversity at ripe.net
> https://mailman.ripe.net/


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